Indecision, indecision

I've been thinking lately about what I might want to do career-wise.  I think all the good feedback I've gotten on internal has gone to my head and now I'm wondering whether a meds-peds combined residency (4 years) might be better than family medicine (3 years).  I'm torn, because although family medicine is less time, it includes a broader variety of things-- including surgical procedures and obstetrics/gynecology.  But I keep wondering if family is less time and more things, won't I necessarily not learn them as well?  I think the bottom line is if I see myself practicing in a clinic somewhere or in a hospital somewhere-- but I really don't know.  Obviously I have some time to think about it, but I just don't know.

So I was doing some looking at residencies. . . There are so many options.  I feel overwhelmed just thinking about finding the time to sort them all out and decide where to apply.  And I can't imagine doubling those prospects by including med-peds programs. :-p
In my search I came across this, too:

 http://globalhealtheducation.org/resources/Pages/QAGuidance.aspx

• What do you want to do in IH? —  Do you see yourself primarily working as a "practitioner" or as a "change agent?" Practitioners spend most of their time working one-on-one with patients, while change agents work primarily to change the attitudes, behaviors and practices of organizations or groups of individuals? In real life most persons working in IH combine elements of both roles but where you are on the continuum between one extreme and the other will have important implications for your postbasic training program.

Ugh another decision point.  I want to be a change agent, but I feel like the best way to change someone is on a personal level.  BOTH BOTH BOTH I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING!  How do I pick?

In unrelated news, I have a date on Saturday with a guy I met online.  We'll see how that goes.  Any of you loyal readers out there itching for more information (also perhaps why this falls under an entry called "indecision, indecision") will just have to find me on the phone or in person or on gchat to find that out.  Don't worry, it will be in public, I won't leave my drink unattended, and I might even bring along a friend-spy to sit in the background and make sure I don't get abducted.

Blah I need to study but I want to go to bed and to know where I'm going to spend the next 5 years and then the rest of my life.  But that would take all the fun out of it, wouldn't it?

Creative outlet

I wish I had the time to do little creative things like take lots of pictures, or paint something or make etsy things, or read for pleasure.  I think there are probably some other obstacles to doing these things well (with the exception of reading, I'm marginal at best).  And technically, on this rotation at least, I can find the hours to do those things, but when I have free time I mostly want to spend it with the people I love, and getting all the people I love to paint or read or create together is sort of difficult.  Sometimes I have time to myself and I think about reading, but then I think about the shelf and how I really might be able to honor this rotation, and how I ought to study, and so then I figure I have to study in that rare moment when the mood strikes me to do so.  So I haven't read more than about a paragraph for pleasure since the beginning of school.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing, and I think it's worth it and I have made the right choice.  But I'm not sure I was quite so aware of some of the things I was putting on hold or de-prioritizing when I made this choice.

Another interesting thing is the gender dynamic and all the varieties of manifestations that can take in medicine.  But I think that's another post for another day, or maybe for never.  We'll see.

Seriously, I have to email someone to get permission to attend my grandfather's funeral?  This is perverse.  I know I sound angry but in usual fashion I am mostly just sad.  This makes me really hate medicine.